The year was 1886. The British Empire was at its zenith. With a navy that had no equal, Great
Britain stood at the apex of the world, a nation without a serious rival. Save one: fog.
As they probed the nether regions of the globe, British ships were increasingly falling prey to this bizarre and mysterious weather condition.
Frigates were running aground on the shores of South Africa, merchant ships were going astray in the North Sea, passenger liners were losing their bearings on Transatlantic voyages. Something had to be done.
To stop the threat -- which had become known as "The Grey Scourge" -- Queen Victoria commissioned a new type of sailing vessel designed to operate in near-whiteout conditions. Dubbed the HMS FogWatch, the ship was launched in the spring of 1886 with one mission: survey the globe, charting and measuring fog levels around the world.
Led by Rear Admiral Phineas Fogg-Bottom, the HMS FogWatch set sail with an international crew that had extensive experience in extreme weather conditions. They spent the next 12 years traveling the globe, until they reached the San Francisco Bay in the summer of 1898.
They quickly realized that they had hit the Mother Lode of fog. In their first summer moored in the bay, the HMS FogWatch was beset by waves and waves of heavy, persistent fog. It challenged even the capabilities of the FogWatch, and Fogg-Bottom's abilities as a leader were sorely tested.
The FogWatch crew soon adapted to the relentless gloom, however, and even grew attached to their adopted home. They soon began publishing short
scientific reports on the fog that would be sent back home to enlighten the dreary lives of their
English compatriots.
The arrival of the Internet has created new opportunities for the
crew of the FogWatch. Armed with the latest in Web-based technology, FogWatch.com stands guard on San Francisco's western shore, providing an early warning system that safeguards the lives of thousands of citizens from the potentially deadly effects of The Grey Scourge.
Prof. Dr. Emeritus Maximus
As ship surgeon, Prof. Dr. Maximus lends an air of gravitas and maturity to an otherwise juvenile crew. While his ruminations on philosophy and culture invariably exceed the mental capacity of the FogWatch sailors, he is universally respected by all, and is capable of bringing discussions to a halt with the arch of a single raised eyebrow.
Although the mental abilities of Prof. Dr. Maximus are admired, his skill as a surgeon has been questioned on a number of occasions. His penchant for prophylactic amputation has been particularly controversial, and many crew members would rather suffer in silence than submit themselves to a Maximus "cure."
Capt. Hiram Benjamin Chunderford
Chunderford is one of the few Americans on board the FogWatch, and is also one of the few crew members with command experience of a seagoing vessel. As a result, he sometimes comes into conflict with Fogg-Bottom on issues of naval strategy.
Chunderford's naval past is murky. He reportedly commanded a warship in the U.S. Navy, but allegedly was drummed out of the service for "extreme moral malfeasance" in 1887. The only thing that is known for sure is that Chunderford came aboard the FogWatch in 1891, on the same voyage to New Orleans that saw Michele "Gigi" Le Bouef join the crew.
Chunderford is also a published author, having penned Last Stand at Macho Grande, a controversial tome lamenting the decline of 19th century masculinity. The book is available in the bargain bins at used book stores in nearly every port of call.
The Cabin Boy, Emeritus
Found on the ship as a stowaway after a trip to the coast of Borneo, the Cabin Boy was nearly jettisoned into the South China Sea by an angry crew. Since then, he has proved his mettle, and has been embraced by every member of the FogWatch crew.
Although innocent in appearance, the Cabin Boy is rumored to be a practitioner of the black arts, and allegedly maintains a sea chest filled with assorted voodoo totems, magical potions, and dark unguents derived from his animist origins. Although his rank is among the lowliest on the HMS FogWatch, he reportedly wields great power behind the scenes, with his Rasputin-like influence extending even to Fogg-Bottom himself.
The Cabin Boy was awarded the "Emeritus" appellation following the demotion of former first mate Gian Carlo Luigi della Stromboli to Junior Cabin Boy status (see below).
Junior Cabin Boy Gian Carlo Luigi della Stromboli, AKA "Ol' Sausage 'n Buns"
One of the more controversial members of the FogWatch crew, della Stromboli has nearly been expelled from the crew on numerous occasions due to his sexual proclivities, which are distasteful even for a crew as licentious as that of the FogWatch.
Della Stromboli formerly held the rank of first mate, a coveted position on the HMS FogWatch. But he was demoted to Junior Cabin Boy after his articles on the U.S. invasion of Iraq were found to contain numerous inaccuracies, half-truths, misstatements, omissions, plagiarisms, and outright lies. Della Stromboli continues to maintain his innocence.
Only della Stromboli's extensive knowledge of San Francisco's local pub scene has prevented him from being jettisoned by the FogWatch crew. Like O'Shucks, della Stromboli is well-versed in The City's restaurant and nightlife scene.
