Rear Admiral Phineas Fogg-Bottom

Dear Friend,

It is with much anticipation that I am pleased to throw my hat in the ring for the California governor’s race, to be held October 6. I have arrived at this course of events after much soul-searching, and having concluded that my candidacy is the only way to rescue California from the imminent disaster toward which it is heading.

I shan’t bore you with details of my platform, other than to assure you that it is a solid one, made from the same rugged oaken timbers from which the HMS FogWatch was hewn. Instead, you have my assurances that I will bring to California the same tough-nosed discipline -- firm but fair -- that I routinely administer to the crew of my ship.

Voting is easy. When you arrive at your polling station, simply follow these instructions:

• You will receive a special election voting guide at the polling station. Do not attempt to lift this guide yourself. Special forklifts are available for transferring election guides from voter check-in tables to voting booths.
• In some polling locations, you may encounter a belt-driven voting guide transportation device similar to an airline baggage-claim system. Do not be alarmed, as recent court rulings have validated the constitutionality of these types of units.
• Once the voting guide has been installed in the voting booth, affix the special election page-turning mechanism to the front cover of the guide.
• Select your language of choice from the 43 available in this election on the display controller of the page-turning mechanism.
• If your language of choice is English, input "page 1,273" into the display controller. The page-turning mechanism will flip to the correct page.
• On page 1,273, you will find "Rear Admiral Phineas Fogg-Bottom" right after "Larry Flynt" and before "Lorraine (Abner Zurd) Fontanes."
• Insert the special election voting ballot into the slot along the sleeve of the voting guide.
• Remove the special election voting punch (the one with the red handle) from its sheath and punch the hole next to "Rear Admiral Phineas Fogg-Bottom." Take care to hit the center of the hole, without touching the sides.
• Remove the special election voting tweezers from the tool rack in the voting booth. Flip your ballot over and carefully remove the hanging chad from the back of the ballot. Do not touch the chad with your bare hands -- this may contaminate your ballot.
• Place the hanging chad in the mini-incinerator located just to the left of each voting booth.
• Press the red "incinerate chad" button to begin the incineration process.
• When you hear the red beep, the process has been completed. Empty the chad ash in the receptacle under the voting booth.
• Remove the voting guide page-turning mechanism from the front cover of the voting guide, and press the green button notifying the voting guide transportation system that you have finished voting. The system will automatically remove and dispose of your voting guide. Be sure to step out of the voting booth within 10 seconds of pressing the green button -- if not, you may become inadvertently entangled in the voting guide transportation system.
• Step over to the ballot box and seal your ballot in one of the Zip-Loc bags provided next to the box.
• Drop your ballot in the ballot box. Do not leave the polling place until you hear the all-clear siren signifying that your ballot has been accepted by the automated vote-counting system.
• Congratulations! You’ve completed the voting process.

Finally, due to California Fair Political Practices Commission disclosure guidelines, I must announce that several HMS FogWatch crew members are also running for governor. These include the following:

All of these individuals, with the exception of della Stromboli, are worthy candidates who would otherwise deserve your vote were I not running. On Monday, remember to go to the polls, and to vote your conscience.

Your Admiral,

Rear Admiral Phineas Fogg-Bottom