By Baron Helmut von Badde-Veather

SAN FRANCISCO -- An exhaustive new survey of weather patterns in the U.S. has revealed that western San Francisco has the best weather in the country. The survey found that the City's western neighborhoods possess a chart-topping combination of moist ocean air, cool soothing fog, and ample protection from harmful solar radiation.

The survey ranked the top 10 cities in the country according to an exhaustive set of criteria determined by an expert panel. The criteria were then cross-referenced against data compiled over the past 30 years by the U.S National Weather Service.

According to the data, three of the top four areas with the best weather were neighborhoods in western San Francisco: the Sunset, Richmond, and Parkside districts. Eight of the top 10 areas were in areas along the Northern California coast, while cities in Oregon and Washington rounded out the top 10.

The top 10 best-weather rankings are as follows:

1. Sunset District, San Francisco, CA
2. Richmond District, San Francisco, CA
3. Pacifica, CA
4. Bodega Bay, CA
5. Parkside District, San Francisco, CA
6. Gualala, CA
7. Quillayute, WA
8. Astoria, OR
9. Bolinas, CA
10. Half Moon Bay, CA

"This study verifies what residents of western San Francisco have known for years -- they enjoy the best weather in the country," said Rear Admiral Phineas Fogg-Bottom, a noted and oft-decorated resident of the west side who is well-known for his cogent analysis of fog and fog-related phenomena. "At last, someone has had the courage to stand up to the meteorological tyranny of the solar-industrial complex, which has brainwashed our society into an unhealthy emphasis on damaging solar radiation as the defining criteria for all that is good and healthy."

Fogg-Bottom in particular excoriated the results of a controversial Farmers' Almanac weather survey published in September. The study rated desert cities like Yuma, AZ; Las Vegas, NV; and El Paso, TX as having the best weather due to their preponderance of sunny days and lack of rainfall.

"Clearly a faulty methodology," huffed Fogg-Bottom.

The new survey was heavily weighted toward cities in more temperate climes, with the following criteria most influential:

• Highest number of foggy, overcast, or rainy days, which prevents harmful solar radiation from reaching city residents.
• Fewest number of days in which daily high temperatures rise above 70 degrees, widely agreed upon as the threshold of discomfort for most reasonable people.
• Highest average humidity, widely agreed upon as a beneficial condition for the skin.

The new survey is expected to have a long-term economic impact on coastal San Francisco neighborhoods like the Sunset, Richmond, and Parkside districts. Real estate values will likely skyrocket as residents move in to snap up property along the Fog Corridor, as the area is called.

In addition, plans are afoot at the Board of Supervisors to build a new fog-related theme park to capitalize on publicity generated by the survey. The new park would be located roughly in the same area as the old Playland at the Beach amusement park in the Richmond in order to maximize fog exposure.

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