By First Mate Gian Carlo Luigi della Stromboli

San Francisco city officials concerned about the outcome of the upcoming presidential election have drawn up contingency plans in the event that President Bush is re-elected. The controversial plans reportedly call for dynamiting both the Bay and Golden Gate bridges and setting up a fortified defensive line to the south of the City to block the advance of any federal troops into the city known affectionately to millions as Baghdad by the Bay.

City officials began drafting the plan this summer, when poll numbers indicated that Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry was making little headway in his bid to unseat President Bush. Many San Francisco residents believe that a second Bush term could be disastrous for the City, which is one of the few remaining centers of leftist resistance in the U.S.

At a press conference on Monday, Mayor Gavin Newsom outlined several of the steps that the City is prepared to take in the event that Bush is re-elected:

* Both the Bay and Golden Gate bridges will be demolished, effectively cutting off any access routes to the City from the north and east.

* A new line of fortifications will be built across the peninsula to the south of the City, dubbed the Harvey Milk Line after the late gay rights pioneer.

* The World War II-era network of bunkers and fortifications on the City's west side will be repaired and refitted, with goal of repelling any amphibious landing by the U.S. military.

* A city militia has been formed, dubbed the Gay Panthers, with membership coming from gay paramilitary groups like ACT UP! SF and the Sisters for Perpetual Indulgence.

"It pains us to have to take these steps, but we have every reason to believe that San Francisco's unique way of life would be dangerously imperiled by a second Bush administration," Newsom said.

Ironically, the City's civil-defense preparations are getting an unexpected boost from some Bush administration policies. The expiration of the federal assault-weapons ban has made it much easier for the Gay Panthers to acquire military-grade automatic weapons, Newsom said. The City will probably save hundreds of thousands of dollars in weapons-procurement costs now that it can buy the guns legally rather than relying on the black market.

San Francisco has also been able to clearcut several hundred acres of forest south of the Harvey Milk Line in order to create a free-fire zone in front of the fortifications. Prior to the Bush administration, such a move would have required an extensive environmental review process that could have delayed the project for years after the November election.

But San Francisco's plans have raised the ire of neighboring communities, particularly those that have been left outside the City's defensive perimeter. Residents of left-leaning Marin County and the East Bay cities of Oakland and Berkeley, for example, claim that blowing the bridges would leave them with no avenue of retreat in the event that Bush launches an assault on leftist strongholds in Northern California.

Newsom acknowledged that the City's plan would leave neighboring cities in the cold. But including them in San Francisco's defense plans wouldn't pass muster according to even the most liberal interpretation of military doctrine, he claimed.

"Marin County is vulnerable to an assault from the north, while Oakland and Berkeley are utterly indefensible due to the porous nature of the East Bay Hills and their proximity to right-wing hotbeds like Concord and Danville," he said.

On a positive note, Newsom said that San Francisco would take in all refugees from administration policies during a second Bush term. "San Francisco and its Care Not Cash program stand ready to accept all those who are victimized by the insensitive and cruel policies of this right-wing administration," he said.

Newsom's plan was greeted with derision by Bush administration officials, who scoffed at the notion that any sort of military assault was in the offing on the City.

"The Bush Administration has demonstrated repeatedly throughout its first term that we both tolerate and encourage dissenting voices," said a White House spokesman. "We are looking forward to dealing with the citizens of San Francisco come November."