By Captain Hiram Benjamin Chunderford

The San Francisco Board of Supervisors today announced the ambitious goal of making the entire population of San Francisco homeless by the year 2010. Board representatives said an all-homeless San Francisco would realize a vast range of social, economic, and environmental benefits.

In an 11-1 veto-proof vote, the board established that "it is hereby the official policy of the City and County of San Francisco to achieve a population comprised entirely of homeless individuals by the year 2010." Supervisor Gavin Newsom cast the lone dissenting vote.

The board provided a number of compelling reasons for its vote. Citizens living in homes, apartments, or flats -- or "residenced individuals," as the resolution calls them -- are a major drain on municipal resources and have contributed to the City’s massive budget deficit this year.

"San Francisco’s residenced population consumes a vast range of social services, such as public transportation, schools, parks and recreation opportunities, public infrastructure, courts, and police protection," said a board representative. "Property taxes, local sales taxes, and parking fines don’t come close to paying for these services."

On the other hand, the City’s homeless population consumes far fewer city resources. Each homeless individual receives a monthly payment of about $300, far less than the estimated $1,300 in city services consumed each month by residenced individuals. "Converting the City’s population to full homelessness would save the city over $700 million a month," said one budget analyst.

The homeless also place a much lighter burden on the environment. With an all-homeless population, air pollution will drop dramatically as fewer individuals commute to work or heat their homes. Pollution from makeshift campfires will probably rise, but city officials say they are prepared to deal with this eventuality.

Tourism will also improve as citizens from other cities flock to San Francisco to "see how the other half lives," according to city tourism officials.

Better yet, board representatives say they can achieve the goal of an all-homeless city without any changes to existing policies or budget allocations.

Indeed, recent news reports indicate that the City is already well on its way toward full homelessness. A recent U.S. Census report showed that San Francisco’s population fell 2% between 2000 and 2002, the steepest drop of any other major U.S. city. The good news, however, is that the decline was almost entirely among residenced individuals -- the City’s homeless population jumped 50% in that same time period.

"We are well on our way toward achieving an all-homeless city by 2010," said an aide to one supervisor. "Things have been heading this way anyway; this just makes it official city policy."