By First Mate Gian Carlo Luigi della Stromboli

SAN FRANCISCO - Massive protests throughout San Francisco have brought the U.S. war effort to a screeching halt, prompting a shocked and awed President George W. Bush to sue for peace with his arch-nemesis, Saddam Hussein. Both sides have laid down their weapons and have begun peace talks moderated by prominent San Francisco peace activists.

The launch of the U.S. offensive against Iraq on Thursday prompted a wave of protests across the City. Groups of demonstrators swarmed San Francisco intersections, blocking traffic and barricading government buildings with the goal of shutting down "business as usual" within what they called the "war machine."

By Friday morning, they had succeeded beyond anyone’s wildest dreams. The U.S. war effort ground to a halt as crucial shipments of soldiers, weapons, and ammunition, all routed to travel through downtown San Francisco on their way to the Persian Gulf, were unable to move. U.S. forces in Iraq, without crucial reinforcements and supplies, found themselves bogged down just few miles inside Iraqi territory.

On learning of the developments, the U.S. Joint Chiefs of Staff early Friday morning advised President Bush that the U.S. war effort had become untenable. A visibly shaken president then contacted Saddam Hussein directly and asked for a halt to the fighting. The Iraqi dictator promptly assented, and made plans to visit Bush at his ranch in Crawford, TX, to hammer out a mutually amenable peace pact.

An initial review of the U.S. military strategy leading up to the war found fault with the decision of top brass to route all supplies and reinforcements through the congested downtown area of San Francisco, one of the most liberal cities in the country.

"It was total gridlock," said one shaken Marine commander. "I was on Oak Street that morning, and it was a parking lot. The troop trucks, the tank carriers, the Muni buses, nothing could move. We were at the mercy of the protestors."

In addition, demonstrators succeeded in forcing Mayor Willie Brown to hole up inside City Hall, preventing him from assuming his new assignment as proconsul of Iraq (see "SF mayor may be sent to Iraq after U.S. invasion," below).

Finally, the demonstrations prevented the military’s initial invasion force, the Raider Nation Battalion, from deploying to Iraq, as they were unable to transit the Bay Bridge from Oakland to San Francisco International Airport. At a press briefing, reporters queried a spokesperson with the Joint Chiefs of Staff as to why the battalion was not dispatched to the Middle East from Oakland International rather than SFO. "Southwest doesn’t have any direct flights from Oakland to Kuwait City," was his reply. "I know it sounds crazy, but in retrospect it seemed like a good idea."

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