By First Mate Gian Carlo Luigi della Stromboli

OAKLAND, CA - The Bush Administration is reportedly mulling a plan to use Oakland Raiders fans as the leading edge of a U.S. invasion of Iraq. The plan has come under attack by human rights advocates, however, who believe the Raider Nation should be considered a weapon of mass destruction whose usage in combat constitutes a war crime of the highest order.

The Bush Administration reportedly hit upon the plan after viewing televised broadcasts of the carnage caused by Raiders fans in the wake of Oakland’s Super Bowl loss to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. U.S. military officials were said to be shocked at the level of destruction wreaked by enraged Oakland partisans, who overturned and torched vehicles, looted stores, and assaulted innocent civilians in a five-hour rampage along the city’s International Boulevard.

"These are military men, so they’ve seen a lot," said one Bush Administration official. "But the level of destruction surpassed anything they had ever witnessed. There were a lot of queasy stomachs in the War Room that night."

The Bush plan calls for the immediate drafting of Raiders fans into a new Special Forces combat unit. If war with Iraq does occur, the Raider Nation Battalion would be the first U.S. unit to deploy to Iraq, with the goal of destroying vital Iraqi infrastructure and causing general mayhem and chaos.

The Raider Nation Battalion’s unique capabilities have already prompted a shift in the Bush Administration’s war plans for Iraq. Early plans, based on conventional military doctrine, called for the U.S. to invade through Iraq’s easily penetrated and relatively uninhabited border areas, and move on to surround populated areas like Baghdad and Basra.

The new plan, dubbed "Operation Silver and Black and Blue" by Bush officials, calls for Raider Nation troops to parachute into major urban areas, where they are capable of causing maximum destruction. Military officials believe that two companies of Raider Nation berserkers could clear all of Baghdad in two to three days -- up to four times faster than conventional troops armed with heavy weapons, artillery, and air support. Once resistance in the cities is eliminated, Raider Nation storm troopers would then proceed into Iraq’s hinterlands to mop up.

The Raider plan is not without its difficulties, however, especially in the area of logistics. Military procurement officials are reportedly stepping up purchases of skull headgear, medieval weaponry, and black and silver face paint in preparation for the assault. Sources indicate that it could be several weeks before the U.S. has all the equipment it needs to outfit an entire battalion of Raiders fans.

Human rights advocates are also criticizing the plan, which they claim is inhumane. "First the Bush Administration plans to install Willie Brown as Iraq’s first post-war ruler, and now this," said Medelia Sanderson of At War for Peace!, a San Francisco-based peace group. "There is no limit to the lengths to which Bush is willing to go in his punitive drive to exterminate the brave Iraqi people."

But support for the Raider Nation gambit is coming from unexpected quarters. Despite his past opposition to Bush’s war plans for Iraq, Oakland mayor Jerry Brown is reportedly in favor of the plan, which would empty the city of its most unruly citizens. "We know a good idea when we see one," said a Brown official who declined to be identified.

SF mayor may be sent to Iraq after U.S. invasion, Bush officials say